Written by Christie Hoos and Glen.Hoos戈蓝.胡斯


In today’s society most widespread myth (myth) said: ” When the crisis reaches the extreme, many marriages would falter or fail. “When misfortune upon us, so we did was reminded time and time again: Our two When the son of Noah and Simon were stillborn, counselors and social workers said that our marriage is in crisis; when our beautiful daughter Rebecca was born with Down syndrome because □ (Down Syndrome ), so we have been told. In these three cases, we have been told that 75% of couples encounter situations we encountered will break up in the next one or two years.

Unfortunately, the time came for the first time, we accept without question this message. □ because at that time we really are under heavy pressure, we do know they need extra efforts to protect our marriage business degree this storm. But because of this experience allows us to find the opposite case, that is the pain and pressure can be strong marital relationship rather than destroy it.

This phenomenon is called the crisis turnaround (Crisis Intimacy): results of crisis often remind us of the many well-intentioned people have said the opposite □□ As many couples who have shared with us before. In fact, recent studies showed that: the death of a child caused by the divorce rate in the range of 7-11 percent, and we had been warned by the 75% far . Divorce rate other traumatized incident caused basically similar to this.

□ crisis here in no way easy to recognize the meaning across. When suffering misfortune upon us, it is not anything interesting or some inspiring moments, we will never again experience a painful choice. We now share a binder with tears and pain hone fight, we will not take it in exchange for anything.

No one is free from the scourge, such as Snow White and Prince Charming ‘from living a very happy day.’ Here we just want to encourage couples, you experience either failure or pressure can be a facilitator or a destroyer of marriage, it’s all depends on your own choice. Here are some of our own experiences learned.

Be patient

The woman said: I do not come from the grief process as there is the potential significance of family background. So when my first son died in the womb, I am deeply sad unsuspecting be caught, and after a long process. Sadness is quite a long journey, not counting designated period or will soon be overcome.

Need to remember is that grief is a normal part of life, everyone has experienced one or more times , but each person is different from the treatment of grief. If your pain and suffering of others or build compared to the level (eg: I lost more than you) useless. To allow yourself plenty of time to get out of pain sensation.

The man said : I think that when faced with a crisis, when people begin to make decisions is very important to be patient. People traumatized emotional events tend to cause people to expect and deal with sudden fluctuations in priority matters, this time to make major life decisions is certainly not a good time.

I remember when we lose Noah, Christie suddenly going to learn to dance as Xing and playing guitar, which is different from what she had never been interested. She was also the rise of different hobbies, but when grief subsided into normal life, such interest will disappear (we recently sold a guitar). This is a funny example, but it shows how we feel in those difficult moments change how large. If one of us after a sudden going to quit their jobs or want to move to another city, or to buy the same items than we can afford, the passage of time, it may be something to make us regret things. So it is best to book in no hurry such decisions left to the future when you can objectively measure again □.

To take into account the different expressions

The woman said: Everyone is sad performance dissimilar. Someone trying to make myself forget, someone only think it; some people depressed mood in his heart, while others need to keep talking about it to speak; someone let themselves be added to a variety of activities to distract herself, some people are hard bed get up.

I learned one thing: You can not show sadness because □ husband is another way to recognize □ he did not sad. There was a time I used to feel very lonely, because he does not look like me □ sadness so deep. I began to learn to understand that not because □ he did not care, he was just in a different way to show nothing. There is no question who is right or wrong. So give yourself a spouse space, according to their own needs through the grief .

The man said : Of course I have to learn to have patience to accept the process takes time to restore the wife of grief . I’m surprised her strong emotions after that things will continue for many months, or even more than a year. Although I am still sad and disappointed we lost, but sometimes I wonder what she has not let the sadness □ □ into the past. But for her is not so easy.

Also, not only between people of different sad way, is the same person at different times, are not the same sad way. When our first son was stillborn, we have no children, which allows us to unwind and let yourself collapse, even if the two emotions at the same time fall into the trough is not a problem. But when our second son lost, we’ve got to be raising two young daughters, Christie also collapse was unreasonable, but my reaction is different. I feel that their role is to give children more care, because □ Christie then can not do it. So I put myself to take care of the children, and spend less time on the emotional and other issues. I think this may make Christie felt very lonely when she was sad.

To get help

The man said : I have never felt anything like this need to help themselves. □ for man, we like to solve problems, and want the ability to stand on their own. This is of course self-esteem issues, we do not want to let people know that we can not deal with something. But in the past seven years, when we are faced with those suffering, we found that we really need the help of others. When the first child stillborn, it is our plan to move into a new home that week. All our stuff packed or moved away, two houses from the ceiling to the floor by the help of friends and family to pack clean. Without their help, we simply can not do it.

The woman said: crisis will certainly help people learn to rely on other people . I wont ever dependent on my husband, but some things at the same time a profound impact on the two people, two interactive system is no longer complete. Sometimes, you just could not help myself spouse need.

A person is difficult to always happen to others ‘needs and that a’ friend but always be willing to generous help of. When people see their loved ones suffer grave injuries, people often feel helpless. This actually makes the people in difficulty feel better, but can do some things to make love to his people will not be too sad. However, you have to be willing to open their own weaknesses, talents do not know what you may need is . This is a very difficult thing, but no one read it to understand other people’s minds, you gotta specifically tell others what you really need the job.

Necessary, I also encourage people to get professional help . This is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, more than 80% of people after receiving such a trauma will go to counseling, I think this is to make the divorce rate is lower than the expected value of a factor. □ indefinite period of time to help people through the troubled times of the drug will appear, which can assist people to enter the next phase of life’s journey. □ I do not recognize that they can see that does not require professional counseling, as some people, because □ professional counseling really helped me through my emotions trough.

Have fun together

The woman said: When a person is in difficulty, do interesting things seem to help. But it sounds like your relationship and health □ important. It is easy to enter into the kind of do not see any sense other things, any melancholy erode their position. I very much agree that people should realistically see their situation in which, and let yourself to experience all that profound, but never let the environment around themselves. Continued to find a better life is very important , no one would be willing to forever stuck in melancholy.

The man said : Noah, after we lost about a month, we go out with some friends. We enjoy a very happy one night, even in the event that I can □ afterwards, first laugh and laugh. To return home, I said: “I’m glad tonight! ‘Wife but soon tears. In fact, she was really happy, but now they feel that enjoy such a beautiful night seems a bit betrayed Noah. How can so quickly we can laugh and laugh at it after his death?

When we look back, we realize that the night is beneficial for us. If you are in a lost loved one stage, we must know how to enjoy a good time not to belittle the human values ​​of love or despise their suffering. In fact, if they are still in this, they will be very glad you have a happy night. The couple have a great time together can strengthen your cohesion, help you to face the difficult stage together.

To choose love

The woman said: No one is perfect, so no matter how hard a couple of mutual support, there will always be this time: the spouses say or do what makes the other party feel more pain than easy. When people are in a weak moment, especially □ so.

So when this situation occurs, the best place to go to envisage their spouses, their words and deeds toward the beneficial aspects of interpretation, it is envisaged that they hurtful behavior was not intentional. Do not let the pain beyond their faces, and in between the two barriers. To forgive each other quickly, and remember that the other side also hurt.

The man said : To continue to show love in action, whether or not you feel to do so. Even when you do not have energy, when patients often have to do some words and deeds make him feel loved and cherished . If possible, they are fitted to the list, and certainly act accordingly; do not put the list aside and wait to feel better before going to implement, because □ even under difficult circumstances, you still want to have a good marriage. If you ignore in difficult to express love, you will inevitably encounter problems.

To turn to God

The man said : I think but to make my relationship with God, we encounter distress closer. It led me to pray more, to find the answers in the Bible, and read good books. Truth comforted me. □ how theology about God allows evil controversy occurred comforted me. These no help for Christie, but it is what I need then. It helped me to believe that God does have a plan to eventually give you all into goodness.

The couple also helped us to pray together. □ because it reminds me that we are together to withstand these, God was among them.

The woman said: theology did not comfort me. But I spend a lot of time to read, “Job” to see how to deal with Job was his disappointment and do not understand. I learned that God can solve our emotional problems, anyway tricky.

I walked a long way, even crying, and finally the burden upon God . I am able to understand the prophet Habakkuk asked God’s words: “The Lord, ah, I cry to you, you do not answer, when you want to do?” (Habakkuk 1: 2), and David wrote: “The Lord, ah, you How long do I want to forget? for ever? You hide my face when I’m going to do? □ I was counsel, day of sorrow How long do you want? … O Lord my God, thou look upon me, and answer me. □ “(Psalm 13: 1-3)

To an honest to God, trusting in □. □ close sad and disappointed man. Do not self to understand □ □ What will come of this ordeal. There are many things that are outside of heaven we can never understand. But tucked away in the face of God □, □ crossed that everything will take you.

We hope to hearing from you!

If You are at a difficult stage in life, or have questions, or just looking for someone to listen to your complaints □, there is a new beauty website sisters willing to pour □, help you. Would like to contact our email counseling, please complete this form below, and indicate your situation. So that we can contact you.


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